Meditation Protocols

A mindfulness journey across the pantheon of wellness-influencers

Originally published on my Substack August 24th, 2020

I recall listening to an interview with Naval Ravikant where he said that meditation is something that people talk about a lot but rarely do. I’ve been meditating regularly, at least four (three) times a week, since the fall of 2015 after reading The 4-Hour Body by Tim Ferriss. This book changed my life and I’d advise anyone (but especially novices) looking to experiment with strength training or other esoteric health & wellness practices to start here.

But I was writing about talking about meditating - which is something that happens frequently, especially if most of your friends are in tech or consulting. I’ve found myself sending hurried, incoherent follow-up emails or texts to dear friends containing a rough sketch of current my “meditation stack” on at least half a dozen occasions. What follows is an effort to create something more permanent and thoughtful, a mindfulness repo which may (probably not) be of interest to more than my immediate circle.

Disclaimer: All of the advice and opinions I offer are completely unscientific and I make no claim to any level of epistemic rigor. I may also indulge in “woo-woo” language or pretentious drivel; my apologies in advance but I only have recourse to my own poor vocabulary in this endeavor. I have however, used all of these techniques personally and will do my utmost to communicate what I’ve learned.

The first time I “meditated,” I was sitting on the floor of my apartment in Montreal listening to one of Tara Brach’s guided meditation podcasts. Tara’s voice is like cold water tumbling over stones. There is a gentle, soothing yet occult quality in the way it compels you into a catatonic state of relaxation. A common refrain among those I’ve spoken to who’ve tried unsuccessfully to build a mindfulness practice is that they simply can’t abide sitting with their own thoughts. They almost immediately experience feelings of anxiety and claustrophobia. Tara is an active guide; her pauses rarely last more than five seconds, bringing you back from distraction. Thus, we arrive at Protocol #1.

After you’ve completed your bed routine, listen to one of Tara Brach’s guided meditations sitting in a comfortable chair or lying down in bed. You will probably fall asleep. You’re not trying to accomplish anything there, be still and enjoy the good things you will feel.

Apart from improving your sleep, you’ll become comfortable with inaction and the abstruse musings you encounter when there are no distractions.

I will still listen to one of Tara’s guided meditations when I’m feeling overwhelmed. Her persistent, calming voice is a stout bastion against overthinking, neurosis, and frustration.

Most people who “discover” meditation as a retreat from a hectic professional life like to keep score - an attraction to gamification and measurable progress led me to experiment with headspace. Andy Puddicombe has a delicate, benignant voice which makes all other sounds course and unpleasant by comparison. The app is aesthetically pleasing and allows the user to create a customized journey through increasingly silent (what poor writing!) series of meditations.

IMO most people fail in their attempts to build a mindfulness practice because our minds are so addicted to stimulation that they experience unendurable boredom or more often, tremendous fear when they close their eyes and commit to 20 minutes of silence.

In order to conform so some kind of consistent style prepare to read about Protocol #2 in bold.

Try Headspace. If you’ve been listening to Tara Brach for a couple of months, you’ll be ready to try for meditations of at least 15 minutes in length. The progressive sparseness of Andy’s instruction enables you to comfortably slide deeper into a state of relaxation and calm.

After some time I became complacent about needing as much structure as Headspace provided - I also felt that it was a bit silly to pay a SaaS fee for spiritual coaching. At the same time, my commute involved a 25 minute train ride every morning and I didn’t think I would be able to ignore the background noise, leading me to Kevin Rose’s mindfulness app: Oak.

You: “So now this imbecile is telling me that his revelation is moving from a premium meditation app to a free one.”

Oak is not as good as Headspace. The gamification is worse, the experience is somewhat clumsy and the guides are not as eloquent (at least in 2018). That said, it is free and they have a wonderful selection of nature sounds which can be played was white noise while you sit quietly. My favorite is “cave” which sounded (I suppose) like rain water falling outside of a cave. See Protocol #3 below.

Select a 20 minute timer and whichever nature sound you wish. Sit quietly. I like to start my meditations with 10 to 20 deep breaths (yes, in through your nose, out through your mouth). Then I’ll go through a body-scan. I like to visualize a golden glowing ball revolving around my skin, slowly spiraling downward from my head to my feet (deal with it Freud!) - as the orb descends I let each muscle relax completely. This takes a couple of minutes. With the remaining 17 or so minutes, breath naturally through your nose. If outside thoughts intrude, don’t resist. If you need to work through them, do so. Naval said this is like getting through your email inbox (how gruesome). Eventually you’ll have nothing pressing to think about and can savor the peaceful time you have left.

It’s worth digressing into what our intention is behind practicing mindfulness. There are really only a handful of reasons, here are mine: I don’t want to feel stressed, I want to be a better friend, son, brother, partner to the people I love, I want to make better decisions under uncertainty, and I want a deeper level of focus in everything I do.

Should we really need a smartphone, air pods, and a mobile app to have all of this? No, Protocol #4 is mere silence.

Turn off your phone or at the very least set a timer for 20 minutes. Sit down and close your eyes. Open them 20 minutes later. For my part, I’ve had the most success with using the same mental techniques as I used in Protocol #3. You may not need such artifice. If you are relaxed when you open your eyes, you’ve succeeded.

Fin.

Addendum on Mantra Meditation or “Transcendental Meditation”: Mantra meditation is a kind of meditation where you silently repeat a mantra in your head, typically a one or two syllable Tibetan word like “Om”. I used this guide to learn the technique. It is quite powerful for banishing intrusive thoughts but I prefer the methods from Protocol #3. “Transcendental Meditation” is a $2,000 course on mantra meditation run by grifters.